Americans are currently facing an epidemic of loneliness. In New York City, this epidemic appears to be nearly universal despite it being one of the most densely packed and busiest cities in the nation. It may seem strange that someone can feel lonely when surrounded by 8 million people, but, sadly, it’s all too common.
So what is going on?
A recent study published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology sheds some light what makes a person feel lonely. In sum, they suggest that loneliness has to do with the quality of one’s relationships as opposed to the number of people in one’s life, per se. In other words, many people are feeling terribly alone despite not being alone.
“The perceived quality, not the quantity, of interpersonal connections was associated with poor mental health.”
How can someone feel lonely even when in the company of friends and family? And how can another, who only has a few close relationships, be fulfilled and happy while appearing to some to be alone? The answer basically lies in how well a person is able to connect on a deep emotional level with others in an intimate and vulnerable way.
So what might prevent a person from being able to do that?
History of Trauma
Another major findings of the previously mentioned study was that individuals with histories of trauma were also those with the highest rates of subjective loneliness. For each additional childhood traumatic event, the odds of experiencing emotional loneliness increased by 28 per cent. This emotional loneliness was experienced even when the person ranked high on number of relationships.
At the same time, those who were both alone and subjectively lonely fared the worst. They were also those to have adult traumatic experiences in addition to a higher level of childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma impacts an individual during their most vulnerable times of growth and development. Such experiences not only impact one’s sense of safety, but also shape a person’s perception of relationships, the trustworthiness of others, one’s sense of self and worthiness, and risk/reward ratio of being vulnerable to another. And, when a person becomes traumatized and/or hurt repeatedly, it becomes that much more difficult to believe that people are safe or even worth getting close to.
However, one does not have to have experienced overt trauma in their life to struggle with feeling lonely in the present.
Poor Parental Attachment
More than anything, we learn how to connect and form bonds with others based on the bonds we’ve had with our caregivers. When there’s a disruption in the parental bond, it often becomes more difficult throughout life to feel emotionally attached to others.
Attachment theory posits that the attachment relationship we had with our parents tends to be repeated in other important relationships. If you felt dismissed, invalidated, or like your needs would not be met, then you likely expect this from others (and treat others similarly). Worse, if you were scared of a parent or saw them as threatening somehow, yet also depended on them for survival, you might find that you have an intense distrust of others or even find yourself in repeated abusive relationships.
When the parental bond resulted in an insecure attachment of sorts, there tends to be a chronic feeling that something is missing. You might spend your life trying to fulfill the needs that weren’t met as a child, and chronically become disappointed because no person can ever fill those needs once you’re an adult.
Sadly, you may even come to believe that you don’t deserve love or not even know how to be close to another human being, reinforcing a pattern of chronic isolation and loneliness.
Fears of Intimacy/Vulnerability
Growing up, we all learn to play certain roles, what is/is not accepted by peers and authority, and how to survive in a sometimes cruel world. Our teenage years are often filled with experiences of trying on different masks until we find one that fits. Commonly, we also learn in this process that it is not ok to just be you. This is especially true if we’ve been deeply hurt.
When someone gets bullied or is in a relationship that leaves one heartbroken, a message starts to form that it’s not safe to be who you are. It’s not ok to open up, love, or be vulnerable. An armor starts to form to protect against any possible future instances of pain. And, in so doing, a gap begins to grow between you and others.
Photo by Hugo L. Casanova on Unsplash
Shielding yourself from pain makes sense. But, what protects against pain also prevents love from getting through. There’s no selective armor.
We also live in a society that values toughness, stoicism, and fierce independence. We all are taught lessons from an early age that it is not acceptable to be “weak.” Our feelings become dangerous and shameful parts of our being. We spend time with friends and loved ones, yet everyone is wearing masks of superficiality. Deeper discussion, intimate connection, and authenticity are avoided at all costs.
A suit of armor becomes a fleet of armed warriors.
More distance, more gaps, and, more loneliness.
Trapped in a False Narrative
A history of trauma, pain and rejection can lead to a distorted and painful narrative about oneself that then shapes each new experience one has. In addition, living in a society that forces high levels of conformity and docility, most people learn from a young age that parts of their self are unacceptable, shameful, or just plain “bad.”
The biggest problem in this is a concept called confirmation bias. We all love to be right – about everything. This is the case even when what we believe to be true is extremely harmful to the self.
If you believe deep down that you will be rejected, that parts of yourself are bad, or that you are somehow defective, you will prove yourself right at all costs. You will interpret others’ actions through this lens, discount evidence to the contrary, be attracted to individuals who treat you poorly, and even bring out certain behaviors in others that confirm your narrative.
Further, if you believe you aren’t good enough, then you will believe, on some level, that neither are your friends. Every judgment about yourself becomes manifest 10-fold with others.
This makes it nearly impossible to connect, be vulnerable, or feel an emotional closeness with others. So long as you believe yourself and/or others to be unworthy somehow, it doesn’t matter how many people you have in your life – you will always feel alone.
Perfectionism, Selfies, and the Lost Phenomenon of Community
It’s very difficult to truly connect with others when one avoids vulnerability or revealing their authentic self. In addition, there are many other societal factors that contribute to incredible difficulties emotionally connecting to an other.
We hear a lot about technology and social media as major factors in the current loneliness epidemic. Research, however, is mixed on this. On the one hand, yes, people are more immersed in games, phones, pictures that are cloaked in rose-colored lenses, and capturing the perfect selfie. At the same time, technology also allows for more ways to stay connected with family and friends and can actually decrease feelings of loneliness. The catch?
It seems that technology is kind of good for older adults. Yet, younger adults (18-22) fair best when they stay off their phones and computers.
This makes sense if one considers that the problems with technology are symptoms of a greater issue, rather than the cause. Our society has become hyper-polarized and increasingly individualistic.
People have become less empathetic, more concerned about self – love, care, improvement, image, help – at the expense of compassion, more controlled and regimented, more standardized, less adventurous, less open to creativity, and less tolerant of ambiguity.
Children are indoctrinated into this mentality from the moment they enter the education system. School is designed for conformity and standardization – much of the exploration, fun, and creativity disappeared when there became less room for PE, music, art, language, and free time as part of a standard curriculum. Kids’ self-worth becomes wrapped up in grades, perfectionism, and success.
Community and play are seen as almost frivolous. Isolation becomes part of the norm from a very early age.
Networking First
This phenomenon might be particularly true for New Yorkers in that many relationships are built on what someone can do for you, rather than how much you just genuinely enjoy being around and feel close to someone. We live in a society that values things and “success” over relationships. Relationships, then, become commodities to be acquired in the same way as a new car or the latest gadget.
Too often, people are seen as objects.
This does not bode well for emotional closeness. As such, one is never fulfilled and just needs more, more, and more.
Too Many Experts
We live in an interesting time wherein there is an expert for literally everything. We are told what to eat, how to bathe, what our bodies should do and look like, how to breathe, how to poop, and how to make love. We’ve come so far from our natural instincts and ability to listen to our bodies and minds that we do not even feel connected to our own selves!
And, so, people tend to question everything. As soon as something goes wrong, or if someone else tells you something is wrong, questions start to arise about who you’re spending time with. Others’ opinions become truth. If it’s a romantic relationship, the next one is always just a swipe away so there’s no need to stick with someone who may not fit your image, others’ expectations, what society says is “right,” etc.
Emotional connection requires being touch with, well, your emotions. And, being able to trust those emotions without anyone else telling you what you should or should not do. No one is an expert on you besides you.
WAIT, THERE’S HOPE!
Just because your past or your culture may influence your sense of loneliness, that does not mean it’s destiny. People can change. You can learn to slowly let down your barriers, to trust others, to accept the parts of yourself that you’ve grown to hate, to value yourself and others regardless of what people might think, to dare to be “weak,” and to listen to your body and instincts.
We are a social species. The ability to connect is inherent in all of us, even if it might look very different for any given individual.
Go now.
Turn off the computer, call a friend and ask about their day, look into someone’s eyes and smile, tell someone you love them. It’s not too late.
