Loneliness in NYC
Loneliness in NYC sounds almost like an oxymoron. How could anyone be lonely in one of the most densely packed places in America? In fact, loneliness is increasingly common, especially so in New York. The American Psychological Association has stated that loneliness is a greater threat to public health than obesity.
Loneliness is not the same thing as being alone. One can feel entirely fulfilled while spending time with oneself while another can feel incredibly lonely and empty in the company of others.
The problem often comes down to intimate and vulnerable connections. We live in an age where technology supersedes these connections, and the pandemic has only made things worse. Beyond smartphones and social media, we also live in a society that prides itself on individualism while devaluing (and sometimes even pathologizing) dependency.
New York, in particularly, tends to attract people from all over the world who are driven to succeed and be the best of the best. Work becomes a priority. People sometimes become commodities, a means to an end. Relationships are based on networking and proving one’s value. Emotional intimacy is seen as weakness or even a threat. Not to mention that people are always so BUSY! Even when the bonds are there, somehow there just never seems to be time to enjoy them.
The Atlantic recently published an article entitled “’Success Addicts’ Choose Being Special Over Being Happy” that explores how the endless pursuit of success often comes at the price of a meaningful life. It is an excellent treatise on why so many who have so much are so darned unhappy.
Like it or not, we are social beings. We are a species that yearns for and needs social connections for survival. It’s built into our DNA based on 10s of 1000s of years of evolution.
When we don’t have meaningful relationships, intimate connections, secure bonds with others, our brain registers this as an existential threat. It leads to chronic levels of physical stress, anger, and emptiness. Chronic loneliness is associated with actual premature death, at a risk level equal to or greater than other health threats, such as obesity.
All of this is not to say that we must choose between success and connections with others, or technology versus people. Everything in life is about balance. Loneliness is a result of an imbalance; an unhealthy ratio that gives too little weight to close connections.
Of course, for some others, connecting may feel impossible due to trauma, parental neglect, and/or chronic self-doubt or self-hatred. Such a person might long tirelessly for love and closeness yet equate this longing with danger and fear. Survivors of trauma also often think that no one can understand them or that they are somehow defective and, so, better off alone.
NYC is a wonderful place, full of vibrancy, culture, and tenacity. There are a heck of a lot of folks who are desperately trying to find a way to meet and connect with others. Take one look around Meetup NYC to see the thousands upon thousands of people looking for activities to enjoy with others.
The thing is, no matter how many folks we meet or find ourselves around, we need to have the confidence and skill to actually allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We need to value the importance of relationship in a more balanced way. Trauma and past wounds need to heal or at least be acknowledged and addressed. And, perhaps more than anything, the idea that being tough equals being happy needs to be quashed with the biggest hammer you can find.
Loneliness is not an inevitability. If you are feeling lonely, you are, ironically, not alone in these feelings. Quite the opposite, in fact. This should be hopeful… for it is evidence for just how many people really do need other people.
