Healing After Loss by Suicide

If you’ve lost someone you love to suicide, then you know the unbearable shock and pain that overtakes you in the aftermath.

The question of how things could have gotten to this point, perhaps without you ever knowing it was that bad, eats away at you. The guilt of knowing they were suffering and that you didn’t do more to make yourself available is unbearable. The feeling of injustice in not being able to alleviate your loved one’s sense of hopelessness, or the heartbreak of thinking your relationship wasn’t enough for them to stay can nearly break you.

Rarely are there simple explanations. It’s normal to want to make sense of something that leaves you spinning with unbearable grief and confusion. Yet, trying to understand why this happened can quickly lead you into feeling like you’re drowning in a sea of the unknown.

The anger of grief might lead you to start to blame – yourself, your loved one, anyone – for such an unforgivable and unbearable act. Suicide is a death like no other. But, it shouldn’t be.

The web of feelings and circumstances that lead to someone taking their own life is complex. Survivors are left with questions they may never be able to answer. What is known is that whatever the circumstances, their pain reached a level that they would do anything to make it stop.

Loss by suicide is almost always traumatic. It’s more complicated than some other forms of loss. It vilifies the person who died in a way that few other causes of death do. It may also lead to shaming of survivors, both by others as well as internally.

If you blame yourself, you may ask what you missed or did wrong. It’s important to know that survivors of suicide tend to overestimate their role in factors that led to the suicide, or their ability to have prevented it.

The destructive power of stigma   

Many of the above-mentioned factors that people experience are impacted by culture. Suicide is a taboo topic. No one wants to think about death, let alone suicide, if they don’t have to. It’s a painful and frightening idea for everyone, including those who have themselves contemplated or attempted it and survived.

Yet research estimates that approximately 1 in 4 people know someone who has taken their life, and that every death by suicide leaves 6 or more people significantly impacted by the event. Meaning, a lot of people are struggling to deal with this topic that no one wants to talk about!

So why is this issue not handled with more openness and compassion?

Most likely, it’s due to lack of awareness and myths that perpetuate with anything having to do with mental health. Ignorance plays a large part in the perpetuation of false beliefs around mental health and suicide. This inevitably breeds fear and misunderstanding.

Fear and stigma lead to unintended consequences for those grieving the suicide of a loved one.

It might leave you to feel more alone in your experience and disconnected from usual supports. Stigma isn’t just about image; it can result in declining mental health, shame, isolation, and rage among those associated with the suicide, resulting in a cycle of depression and pain.

Grief and the need for community and connection

Emotional support and a sense of commonality can be critical protective factors in the grieving process. Grief expert David Kessler said, “Each person’s grief is as unique as a fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.”

Society, as a whole, does not do a great job of supporting bereaved people. This can be even worse if you are mourning a suicide. Even those with the best intentions often don’t really know what to do or say.

Grief makes people awkward; suicide makes people both awkward and afraid. Sometimes people may even withdraw from you, leaving you to feel once again even more isolated. Instead of baring witness, they avert their eyes and walk the other way.

American culture tends to value positivity and silver linings. The time for bereavement is short when considering the complicated process of grieving. In fact, if you grieve for too long, you can be diagnosed as mentally ill. Rather than understanding the need for connection, you are once again blamed, isolated, and shunned, but now by the medical establishment itself.

Very quickly you are expected to get back to work and get on with things. You likely start to feel pressured to “get over it.” As the world around you goes back to business as usual, the space in your heart sits like an empty room. You privately retreat into a hidden world of pain. This is the exact opposite of what you actually need: community and connection.

You should not and do not need to be so alone with your grief.

Whether you fear the judgment of others, or the stigma around suicide is pervading your experience, you deserve the compassion and support of others. This is a time to turn towards connection and away from isolation. It just might be the most important thing you can do.

How to cope

First and foremost, try to acknowledge your pain without needing to fix it immediately. It hurts, it’s confusing, you’re in shock – needing to provide a concrete story as to why it happened, even if it means blaming yourself, will likely make it hurt more. Give yourself some time and space.

If you have family or friends who are willing to support you, no matter how awkward, lean on them! Try not to let your own shame or fear stand in your way. You may not even need to talk about it – just being with other people who love and care about you can be enough sometimes.

Of course, not everyone has that. And, even if you do have supportive friends and family, their judgments or assumptions may be so unhelpful that being with them actually makes things worse. In that case, you may need to seek out more formal support.

Engaging support through in-person or online suicide survivor groups or individual therapy can be an invaluable resource to hold space for your pain. Groups can also offer genuine connection with others.

Suicide survivor groups bring people together in a stigma-free setting that offers mutual support and a safe space for everyone’s story. This support can also be critical to regaining a sense of control that feels lost in the face of the helplessness and hopelessness of this experience.

Groups also offer an opportunity to share stories about the person you lost and hear the stories of others whose lives ended similarly. Many suicide survivors feel the need to ensure their loved one’s death is not what defines them, but rather the unique lives they lived in the years before their death; their creativity, their accomplishments, their friends, and all of the lives they touched.

Some areas of suicide research have turned their focus towards post traumatic growth in suicide survivors. These studies look at people who over time report greater resilience and a changed outlook on life; with increased feelings of compassion and hope.

You cannot recover what has been lost, but you can put your energy towards genuine healing and creating a life after loss. But, you can’t do it alone.

Resources

Books:

Grief is Love: Living with Loss by Marissa Renee Lee

The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

Ted Talks:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKb1XKxwyhg

https://www.ted.com/talks/erica_lennon_i_saw_myself_as_deadly_healing_after_loss_by_suicide