Be a “Nasty Woman”: Learn to Stop Repressing Your Emotions and Become Authentically You

By Anjalee Jajoo

Somewhere along the way, many women learned that anger was dangerous.

Not in a way that is physically threatening – but relationally dangerous. It feels threatening in a way that could cost you approval, closeness, or love.

So, instead of anger, you learned politeness. You learned to swallow your thoughts and feelings and become accommodating to those around you. Somehow, you learned to turn anger into sadness, frustration into self-blame, and disappointment into guilt. And, even still, sometimes even those emotions felt too scary and led you to just completely silencing yourself.

Words like difficult, dramatic, sensitive and “too much” are like weapons railed against any woman who dares to need or feel. They serve to teach women that taking up emotional space is not allowed and will be met with consequences.

However, the real danger is the mental health price (and, often, the physical price as well) you pay to accommodate. Learning to be “nasty”, in fact, in some ways can be the best thing you ever did for yourself in the name of self-care and building relationships.

Being a “Nice” Woman

From early on, women are taught what it means to be “good”: be polite, be accommodating, and never say or do something that makes others uncomfortable. You likely were encouraged as a young girl, often subtly, to be emotionally reserved, unless the emotions were positive and easily digested by others.

Oddly, tears can be tolerated, and, often, even expected because crying is what women do, of course. But, in a wonderful double-bind kind of way, tears are also similarly marked as a sign of weakness – just another way to remind you, as a woman, that any emotions other than happiness are a flaw.

These expectations and guidelines eventually shape the way that you learn to stay connected in relationships. Connection is conflated with compliance and people-pleasing – Being angry, having needs that require effort, and/or having power, on the other hand, leads to disconnection and rejection.

Implicitly, the message is that your feelings matter as long as they don’t inconvenience others.

The Cost of Repressed Anger

Though anger may feel dangerous and threatening, it is actually a crucial and pivotal part of feeling whole. Emotions are simply information. Anger lets you know when your needs are being unmet, when your values have been disrespected, or when something feels wrong.

For many women, unfortunately, anger does not feel like information. It feels like a threat that could lead to danger.

One of the most intense parts about repressed anger is the crushing amount of shame that follows. Rather than asking, with curiosity, “Why am I angry”, the question quickly turns inwards. It turns into “What’s wrong with me for feeling this way?” or “Am I allowed to feel this way?” Anger turned inwards can turn into guilt. Often, it eventually manifests as depression.

When anger is buried deeper and deeper in the name of peacekeeping and being nice, it doesn’t just disappear. It lives within your body.

A tight chest, a clenched jaw, an inexplicable desire to appease or run away – these physical cues are letting you know that something is wrong. But, your anger isn’t necessarily the problem. In fact, overtime repressed anger can lead to increased risks for hypertension, cardiovascular disease, autoimmune disorders, poor immune responses to illness and higher risk of infections, IBS, eczema, tension headaches, and chronic pain.

If being “nice” once kept you safe, it makes sense that challenging this “niceness” can feel terrifying. It’s scary to think that others might see you as mean, to be vulnerable and known, to potentially disappoint others, and to ultimately risk rejection and isolation. But, the thing is, if you are hiding parts of yourself and not being authentic, you are already isolated and disconnected anyway.

When Anger Becomes Permission

What is so often labeled as being a “nasty” is not actually about being cruel, reactive, or full of rage – that is the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s about trusting yourself and allowing yourself to be authentic to YOU. It’s trusting yourself to push through the discomfort of disrupting what others have learned to expect from you.

When allowed to breathe and used as information, anger can actually offer important information that can allow you to feel more confident, authentic, and empowered. It does not have to destroy relationships – it can do the opposite. It makes room for honesty and connection.

People-Pleasing: When it’s a Trauma- Reponse

Most people are aware of the two main trauma responses: fight or flight. But there are actually four: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

The fawn response is one of the nervous system’s survival strategies that develops over time when your safety depends on appeasing others in an extreme way. This comes from when conflict, anger, or assertiveness led to punishment, abuse, or abandonment. The body learns this and then begins to fear, in a visceral way, engaging in any form of confrontation. It begins to feel like a threat to your survival, and you learn that it’s safer to remain adaptable and invisible.

Though often thought of as a personality trait, extreme people-pleasing can be a response to previous trauma or abusive dynamics.  That’s when it becomes known as fawning. It was a survival skill that you developed that worked when it needed to.

Although, not all people-pleasing tendencies are a trauma-response, in its most extreme form it can be.

Therapy as a Place to Learn to be “Nasty”

Ironically enough, people-pleasing often leads to the opposite of what you might have hoped it to do. It might work to preserve connection in the short-term, but it also breeds resentment, both in you and from others. This underlying, and unacknowledged, resentment then leads to emotional distance, further disconnection from others, and as the cycle continues your anger becomes further repressed. The deeper the anger gets buried, the quieter it may feel, but the louder its power is.

Many woman struggle with the fear that their anger, explicitly or implicitly, will overwhelm a relationship or lead to them being rejected. Therapy, particularly psychodynamic therapy, can offer a space where all parts of you –  anger, shame, and guilt – are welcome. By allowing these parts of you into the room and giving them space to exist, they slowly start to feel less and less like they are in control of you.

You can show up as yourself in a relationship and challenge narratives that anger will lead to rejection. You can re-learn how to use the information that these emotions are providing you with, while finding an authentic connection with yourself. And, in turn, you can build healthier and deeper relationships with others. Oddly, learning to be nasty can actually help you have better connections.

Be Authentically YOU

Reclaiming anger does not mean that you are becoming someone that you are not. It does not make you an angry or a bad person. Feelings are temporary, not an identity. It simply means that you are becoming a more whole version of yourself.

Being this person might look like learning to say no without overexplaining or allowing yourself to notice your guilt but not succumb to it. It may even be as simple as noticing your anger and allowing it to pass.

There might have been a time when making yourself smaller guaranteed your safety, survival, and connection. But that time has passed. You are living by old rules that no longer serve you.

Unlearning those rules and learning new ones can feel daunting, scary, and almost impossible.

It is possible. And, you don’t have to do it alone.